A member of my family sent me the following humorous -- yet completely erroneous -- email this morning. Like any good American who cares about the education of his fellow citizens, I corrected it and sent it back. Here's what I received (in the interest of full disclosure, when I received this list, it was formatted in MS Comic Sans, but I couldn't bring myself to duplicate that here.):
If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it's a foreign religion, of course!)
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A liberal will delete it because he's "offended".
See what I mean? Sure, it's funny, but not remotely accurate. My corrections are below.
If a conservative likes guns, he thinks they should be given out free at birth.
If a liberal likes guns, he buys a sensible one, rather than insisting that owning fully-automatic assault rifles is a patriotic duty.
If a liberal doesn't want an abortion, she doesn't have one.
If a conservative doesn't want an abortion, her husband screams and cries and yells about how the government should save us from ourselves, and when that doesn't work, he murders anyone who performs the procedure.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn`t eat meat, claiming that God told him in a dream that meat was the great Satan.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he won't shut up about it, either. (I think we can all agree that vegetarians suck.)
If a conservative is homosexual, he lies his whole life, then gets elected to Congress, passes a bunch of hate-based legislation against gays and finally is caught (literally) with his pants down at a gay bar. Or he gets arrested while soliciting sex in the men's room at the airport.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands equality under the law, you know, like it says in that pesky Constitution that conservatives are always yammering about.
If a conservative is down-and-out he blames the Mexicans and the "socialists".
A liberal wonders who is going to take out the Wall Street fat cats who screwed everyone so badly.
If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he organizes a boycott of the network till they cave (I'm looking at you, ABC. Where's Bill Maher?)
Liberals demand that those they don't like submit to incessant ridicule.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he lies about it and goes to church anyway (Right, Senator McCain?)
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and religion removed from federal law (again, that darn Constitution that conservatives claim they love).
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he joins the military or runs for Congress, so the rest of us can pay for his health care while he whines about "socialism". Or he just waits until he's 65 and then petulantly demands that the "gubmint" better keep its "libruhl" hands off his Medicare.
A liberal demands that insurance companies do what they're paid to do; namely, insure people.
If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it because it makes him feel superior.
A liberal will correct it because he is superior.
There now. That's much better, yes?